Silent Musings

One thing that becomes unarguably evident after sufficient meditation practice is the impermanent nature of life. Where do thoughts come from? Nowhere. And to where do they return? Nowhere. How long does it take? Not very. Yes, thoughts come and go, as does everything else. Since I moved to a new apartment this weekend, I began to reflect about the transient nature of life, and the inevitable poignant feelings that always seem to accompany change.

I’ve moved many times, and often it was to a new city. In the process, I’ve left behind a large number of friendships. Now that isn’t to say I don’t still consider those people to be friends, but being realistic, it is not easy to a large number of friendships with people spread all over the place, even with the internet (and especially not for a forgetful, thoughtless wanderer like myself). So I find myself having to deal with those feelings that come with the parting.

What are those feelings? They are difficult to describe, because there is such a mixture to them. To try and use adjectives in this circumstance just doesn’t seem right - too conceptual. I can only think of an example.

Not too long ago I went through the process of a divorce. My ex and I separated in the summer of 2005, after 15 years of marriage. While we are still on “good terms”, we never had children, so the need to communicate and see each other is minimal. It’s a strange feeling to know that she is still out there living her life, and I have very little idea how it is unfolding. It’s almost as if I want to avoid thinking about it, kind of like the way I avoid thinking about my own death. Sure the thought of it comes and goes, but to actually dwell on it is not so easy. The feeling of loss is thoughtless on its own. The Absolute. Shiva. Pure Emptiness.

Then there is the inevitable new opening for creation that emerges from the Void. There is excitement that accompanies creation. The Heart Awakening. Shakti. Love.

What is this most curious and mysterious dance between the lovers Shiva and Shakti? Is the merging of non-duality and duality the source of those poignant feelings? I don’t know. All I can do is let it be what it is and keep living and dying every moment, and being Love of all that Is. What else is there?

Like a lot of scientifically trained minds, mine is always on the lookout for what it can analyze and deconstruct. When I began to get serious about meditation and spiritual cultivation some years ago, I did a lot of reading from various sources about spiritual teachings, and also about many of the spiritual teachers out there. Having been through all that, I eventually realized that teachers and teachings can definitely be beneficial, but also problematic. I guess this is true with many things in life.

The main benefit is that a spiritual teacher or teaching can provide you with some knowledge about effective practices and help you to interpret your experiences. The main problem is that a spiritual teacher or teaching can provide you with some knowledge about effective practices and help you to interpret your experiences. Huh? Since hopefully the beneficial aspect is more or less obvious, let me say more about the problem. The basic problem is that knowledge and understanding are not only essentially useless, but actually get in the way. It is far more effective to practice with as innocent a mind as possible. Unfortunately, you can’t be completely innocent, because then you would have no idea what practice to do, and if and when to alter it. Thus you are left with a conundrum. Well, perhaps one should follow the Buddha’s advice and seek the Middle Way.

As far as teachers go, I can’t really speak for others, I can only say what I’ve found works for me. Here is how I know a good teacher. When I ask a full of shit question to a good teacher, I feel like an egotistical bastard the moment it comes out of my mouth. It’s like speaking into a mirror, only it’s the kind of mirror that reveals the true motives of the speaker. Other than that, I don’t think too much else matters. Mainly it’s important that he or she let’s me find the way myself without getting into too much trouble.

Oh, one other thing. For those of you who may be searching for a teacher, you might have read somewhere the old saying that the teacher will appear when the student is ready. Well, it’s probably true. At least in my case it was.

Have a beautiful day.

Dear David,

I’m sitting here on an ordinary Sunday evening, having “arrived at a certain realization”. I put that in quotes, because, in truth, it is really almost the opposite of what is so. There is no arriving, nor is there realization. There just is what Is.

Lately I’ve been noticing a lot how ordinary my existence is. So utterly ordinary … so lacking in the qualities of being special or important. Every day it seems I know less and less. Or rather, knowledge just seems like a cheap suit - tacky and loud. The same with seeking. The more I look at it, the more I realize that there is nothing to find, and there is no such “thing” as enlightenment. In fact, the term enlightenment almost seems offensive, an affront to the Truth. I want to cry. I don’t know why. I am alone, but that is not it. Being alone is contentment for me now. No, I just want to cry, no reason.

I don’t know why I am writing this. Maybe so “Mike” can believe this is Me. What does that mean? I have no idea.

I am adrift … Free? Even that seems inappropriate … free from What?! There is no such thing as freedom. I would tell you that I feel joyful, but I don’t even know anymore what are joy and happiness. Seems I’ve always (or at least usually) held happiness as some sort of assessment. This is not that. This isn’t even this. This … what a strange word. Whatever this feeling, right here and now, I’ve never had before, nor will I ever have again.

I used to think a lot about what enlightenment would be like for me. Now I can see that I was a fool. Who cares? The strategizer is still here within me; I can see him, but he seems so strange now. He is losing his grip.

I remember something from my childhood. My father used to ask my younger brother, “how much do you love me?” His answer: “1320″. How beautiful.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. I love you, 1320, and then some.

Mike

Response:
Mike, From my heart to yours. Love, David

Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva
when practicing deeply the Prajna Paramita
perceives that all five skandhas are empty
and is saved from all suffering and distress.

Shariputra,
form does not differ from emptiness,
emptiness does not differ from form.
That which is form is emptiness,
that which is emptiness form.

The same is true of feelings,
perceptions, impulses, consciousness.

Shariputra,
all dharmas are marked with emptiness;
they do not appear or disappear,
are not tainted or pure,
do not increase or decrease.

Therefore, in emptiness no form, no feelings,
perceptions, impulses, consciousness.

No eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind;
no color, no sound, no smell, no taste, no touch,
no object of mind;
no realm of eyes
and so forth until no realm of mind consciousness.

No ignorance and also no extinction of it,
and so forth until no old age and death
and also no extinction of them.

No suffering, no origination,
no stopping, no path, no cognition,
also no attainment with nothing to attain.

The Bodhisattva depends on Prajna Paramita
and the mind is no hindrance;
without any hindrance no fears exist.
Far apart from every perverted view one dwells in Nirvana.

In the three worlds
all Buddhas depend on Prajna Paramita
and attain Anuttara Samyak Sambodhi.

Therefore know that Prajna Paramita
is the great transcendent mantra,
is the great bright mantra,
is the utmost mantra,
is the supreme mantra
which is able to relieve all suffering
and is true, not false.
So proclaim the Prajna Paramita mantra,
proclaim the mantra which says:

gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha.
Gone Beyond. Gone Beyond the Beyond. Hail!