Silent Musings

Recently in meditation I found myself noticing how much the feeling of “holding it all together” had shown up. This feeling has many forms, including a general attachment to the idea of having a body, to being pain free, to maintaining life according to my views (even the one that says, “I don’t have views”), and to keeping life generally under control so that it meets expectations, at least to a certain degree. Meditation became very uncomfortable for a while. At one point, I finally found myself saying (internally): whatever the cost of being on this path of spiritual cultivation is for me, I am willing. Pain, suffering, death, whatever. I will take whatever comes on its terms.

And I meant it. In that moment and since then, I was done trying to “get somewhere” by any form of manipulation. In fact, I could finally accept that no matter what would become of me, I would let it be just as it is. Something shifted after that. It’s hard to describe, but there is a new sense of “freedom from myself”. I let go of the burden, so to speak, and now Grace is leading the way for me. To where, I have absolutely, positively, no idea.

I once heard my teacher say that an important skill for spiritual cultivators to learn is how to “fall apart gracefully”. What did he mean by that? Well, perhaps if you are a seeker yourself, you at least recognize the “falling apart” aspect. You may have already experienced one or more of the following in the course of your awakening: emotional breakdown, mental breakdown, financial crisis, loss or upheaval of a significant relationship, health issues, loss of a job or angst over your career, or questioning just about everything concerning your existence. In fact, if you are serious enough about spiritual cultivation that you will give anything to realize the Truth, then if you haven’t already, I guarantee that you will eventually experience all of these challenges at some intensity from mild to severe.

These symptoms of ego deconstruction are difficult enough to face even without having to deal with the confusion borne from spiritual experiences such as siddhis, visions, and kundalini awakening. Therefore, it is important to prepare yourself for the possibility of these “breakdown” events, so that if and when they occur, their impact on your life is not so tumultuous. Give yourself the space to unravel without imparting unnecessary damage to yourself or others. After all, you’re in a marathon, not a sprint. At times, it will seem that wearing away the last vestiges of the ego is like sanding down Mount Everest with an emery board. The last thing you’ll want is to have to confront unnecessary devastation as well.

Another teacher I respect a lot tells his students not to get involved in spiritual cultivation unless they intend to take it all the way. Why does he say this? Because at a certain point, there is no turning back. It’s a bit like being in a long, twisted tunnel, and not knowing whether the exit is now closer to you than the entrance to the path that got you to where you are. Except that the cosmic joke is that there is no exit, and the entrance is now closed, too! Get used to the tunnel, my friend. Maybe, if you can truly accept life in the tunnel, you will realize that no such tunnel ever existed.

Can you let go of everything and just rest as innocent primordial awareness? Falling apart means letting go of control, allowing awakening to spontaneously arise within you. In fact, it is the only way real awakening occurs. If I recall my most profound experiences of awakening, the one thing they all have in common is that none of them were planned. Rather, they appeared from Nowhere, often when least expected.

Even though letting go is the simplest possible act, it is not necessarily easy. Culturally and habitually, we are trained to do just the opposite. In fact, at the deepest levels of our subconscious minds, we think that our survival depends on holding on to what we know. The founder and First Patriarch of Chan (Zen) Buddhism, Bodhidharma, is said to have sat facing a wall for nine years to complete this process of letting go. Simple, but not easy.

I want to say something as well to those of you who are friends or family of spiritual cultivators. Often when people want to help, they will offer “solutions” to this “problem” of falling apart. Trust me when I tell you, that is not what is needed. Compassion and acceptance are the most appropriate and helpful responses. And if you find that you are the one doing the falling apart, either gracefully or tumultuously, perhaps you can find peace in the knowledge that whatever is happening now will soon pass of its own volition, and at some point there will be nothing remaining to fall apart, and the idea of letting go will seem as absurd as the idea of holding it all together.

A candle is made to become entirely flame.
In that annihilating moment
it has no shadow.

It is nothing but a tongue of light
describing a refuge.

Look at this
just-finishing candle stub
as someone who is finally safe
from virtue and vice,

the pride and the shame
we claim from those.

-Rumi

OK, I admit, the title is a joke. Sort of. But before I explain, I want to ask you something. Have you ever entertained the thought? Or some slightly watered down, more “humble” version, such as, “I am up to really big things,” or “my work is very important.” If your answer is, “No”, then you are either a liar, a Buddha, or possessing a selective memory.

Here is the same question posed from some other angles. Do you defend yourself if someone insists that your work can’t be done because it is too big, or claims that it is unimportant? What, exactly, are you defending? Where are you dwelling? Do you fail to take action because a task is “too big to face” or “too small to bother”? Do you lament that you are not “contributing enough”?

The delusion of “big” and “small” is a common one, and linked to the need for the ego to assign relative degrees of importance to everything. This is not a bad thing. You probably need it to survive. But is it appropriate in all circumstances? Not especially. And it is an illusion - every sentient being “contains” all consciousness. In reality, there is no distinction; we are One. Every “small” gesture ripples across the entire universe. Reality doesn’t care about size; in truth, there is no size. Reality simply is.

When awakening first begins to manifest, a common reaction for the ego is to claim this manifestation as its own. For example, you may often see this when people share their experiences with the ever so popular Law of Attraction. And in its worst forms, this kind of attachment can be damaging. Miracles do occur, but I think it is rather myopic to say “I, Mike (a.k.a. Lord of the Universe), produced it”. Personally, I prefer stay in awe of the miracle and the Mystery. When I do that, I am more open to the miracles occurring all around me on a regular basis. Real awakening and spiritual growth occurs through a combination of Grace, letting go, and acting with integrity. Mostly, though, it’s Grace.

Some years back I read a fascinating novel, a parody called Boomeritis, by Ken Wilber. In this work, Wilber describes the baby boomer generation as having been the first in history that was largely pluralistic in its view of the world: developing a sensitivity to multiple contexts, relative truths, and multicultural richness. This resulted in a new honoring of the individual, and manifested in such forms as the civil rights movement and environmental protection. All well and good, except that this new focus on individuality tends to be a super-magnet for narcissism, which can result in an “I am going to save the world” view. This combination of pluralism and narcissism is what Wilber calls Boomeritis; and in the book, he goes on to describe much of the damage that has been caused by this world view, and also suggests alternatives, which have since resulted in the formation of the Integral Institute. My personal view of this phenomenon called Boomeritis is that it is a natural step in the course of spiritual growth, and that as we mature spiritually, we eventually drop our fixation with the “me” centric viewpoint. However, this is more often than not a long and (possibly) painful process.

It doesn’t work to put yourself on a pedestal for a worthwhile cause, and then complain about your detractors to your friends. Transformation comes through action, but every action, even “inaction”, has an effect. Integrity means the completeness of the whole, with not even the smallest fraction left out. If you really listen to your Heart, you will know when your actions have integrity, and when they don’t. The universe doesn’t care what the scale is. Even the “smallest” transgression will cause the same suffering as the “large” ones. Sometimes it may seem that this isn’t true, but in your most awake and compassionate moments, you know it to be the case.

It seems what is often missing in the activist world is true wisdom. Not knowing. Being willing to see outside of one’s own point of view. This is what I like about Boomeritis. It nails ego-centrism right on the head. A few years ago I was very involved with a large group of activists from a variety of organizations, all deeply committed to global transformation. Truly beautiful souls. Two friends of mine and I conducted more than one hundred individual interviews, to find out more about what was working, and what wasn’t. We discovered some very interesting patterns. The one that stood out most boldly was that these activists had a very difficult time facing the measurable reality of the world. Less than one out of one hundred regularly kept statistical measures of their progress. My sense of it is that this failure to become intimate with reality isn’t limited to activists; it is all of us. We don’t want to see all of the measurable world because it seems “too big”, and so we make a lot of assumptions instead of gathering facts, or at least admitting that we don’t know. However, this perceived grandeur of the global scale is a false construction of the ego.

I turned to serious meditation practice some years ago when I realized that I lacked the wisdom I needed to face this reality authentically and produce the results I wanted to see. I had made some vows to myself and others, and in the course of working on them, I realized that I knew nothing of how to achieve them. Later I discovered that knowledge has little to do with it, but “being” is somehow crucial. And the “being” that I could perceive at the time consisted largely of conflicting energies. Or at least so I thought. In a sense, I was right, although my views of those original vows have changed significantly since I began that journey of meditation practice.

My girlfriend is a social worker. She works on Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles, as a clinician serving homeless families. One of the things that makes her so beautiful is that she treats every one of her clients as if he or she were the most important client, the only one. She is fully available to each and every one of them. It is as if the entire reason for her existence is to serve that one client, in that moment. When the next client comes in, it starts all over again. It would be easy for her to become overwhelmed by the sheer mass of “problems” that she faces every day. But compassionately she carries on, day after day, moment after moment.

Everything you do is crucially important. But not in the noble, narcissistic, grand sense that we so often find ourselves contemplating. Rather than getting stuck in what you know, try letting go of everything, and following your Heart, even in the matters that won’t “save the world”, or result in any acknowledgment coming back your way. You may be the next Gandhi or Martin Luther King, and you may be a clinical social worker on Skid Row, or making breakfast for your son or daughter, or calling your Dad to wish him a Happy Father’s Day. Whatever it is, give your whole Heart to it, and let reality sort out the rest.

Whatever you do will be insignificant,
but it is very important that you do it.

-Mahatma Gandhi

These are really the thoughts of all men in all ages and lands, they
are not original with me,
If they are not yours as much as mine they are nothing, or next to nothing,
If they are not the riddle and the untying of the riddle they are nothing,
If they are not just as close as they are distant they are nothing.

This is the grass that grows wherever the land is and the water is,
This the common air that bathes the globe.

-Walt Whitman