Recently in meditation I found myself noticing how much the feeling of “holding it all together” had shown up. This feeling has many forms, including a general attachment to the idea of having a body, to being pain free, to maintaining life according to my views (even the one that says, “I don’t have views”), and to keeping life generally under control so that it meets expectations, at least to a certain degree. Meditation became very uncomfortable for a while. At one point, I finally found myself saying (internally): whatever the cost of being on this path of spiritual cultivation is for me, I am willing. Pain, suffering, death, whatever. I will take whatever comes on its terms.
And I meant it. In that moment and since then, I was done trying to “get somewhere” by any form of manipulation. In fact, I could finally accept that no matter what would become of me, I would let it be just as it is. Something shifted after that. It’s hard to describe, but there is a new sense of “freedom from myself”. I let go of the burden, so to speak, and now Grace is leading the way for me. To where, I have absolutely, positively, no idea.
I once heard my teacher say that an important skill for spiritual cultivators to learn is how to “fall apart gracefully”. What did he mean by that? Well, perhaps if you are a seeker yourself, you at least recognize the “falling apart” aspect. You may have already experienced one or more of the following in the course of your awakening: emotional breakdown, mental breakdown, financial crisis, loss or upheaval of a significant relationship, health issues, loss of a job or angst over your career, or questioning just about everything concerning your existence. In fact, if you are serious enough about spiritual cultivation that you will give anything to realize the Truth, then if you haven’t already, I guarantee that you will eventually experience all of these challenges at some intensity from mild to severe.
These symptoms of ego deconstruction are difficult enough to face even without having to deal with the confusion borne from spiritual experiences such as siddhis, visions, and kundalini awakening. Therefore, it is important to prepare yourself for the possibility of these “breakdown” events, so that if and when they occur, their impact on your life is not so tumultuous. Give yourself the space to unravel without imparting unnecessary damage to yourself or others. After all, you’re in a marathon, not a sprint. At times, it will seem that wearing away the last vestiges of the ego is like sanding down Mount Everest with an emery board. The last thing you’ll want is to have to confront unnecessary devastation as well.
Another teacher I respect a lot tells his students not to get involved in spiritual cultivation unless they intend to take it all the way. Why does he say this? Because at a certain point, there is no turning back. It’s a bit like being in a long, twisted tunnel, and not knowing whether the exit is now closer to you than the entrance to the path that got you to where you are. Except that the cosmic joke is that there is no exit, and the entrance is now closed, too! Get used to the tunnel, my friend. Maybe, if you can truly accept life in the tunnel, you will realize that no such tunnel ever existed.
Can you let go of everything and just rest as innocent primordial awareness? Falling apart means letting go of control, allowing awakening to spontaneously arise within you. In fact, it is the only way real awakening occurs. If I recall my most profound experiences of awakening, the one thing they all have in common is that none of them were planned. Rather, they appeared from Nowhere, often when least expected.
Even though letting go is the simplest possible act, it is not necessarily easy. Culturally and habitually, we are trained to do just the opposite. In fact, at the deepest levels of our subconscious minds, we think that our survival depends on holding on to what we know. The founder and First Patriarch of Chan (Zen) Buddhism, Bodhidharma, is said to have sat facing a wall for nine years to complete this process of letting go. Simple, but not easy.
I want to say something as well to those of you who are friends or family of spiritual cultivators. Often when people want to help, they will offer “solutions” to this “problem” of falling apart. Trust me when I tell you, that is not what is needed. Compassion and acceptance are the most appropriate and helpful responses. And if you find that you are the one doing the falling apart, either gracefully or tumultuously, perhaps you can find peace in the knowledge that whatever is happening now will soon pass of its own volition, and at some point there will be nothing remaining to fall apart, and the idea of letting go will seem as absurd as the idea of holding it all together.
A candle is made to become entirely flame.
In that annihilating moment
it has no shadow.It is nothing but a tongue of light
describing a refuge.Look at this
just-finishing candle stub
as someone who is finally safe
from virtue and vice,the pride and the shame
we claim from those.-Rumi
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