Silent Musings

Today’s topic is a deep and interesting one, although definitely not easy to confront for many spiritual seekers. Before I begin, I want to let you know that what I am about to say might at times sound harsh. It isn’t meant as a condemnation, although you can easily mistake it as such. Rather, it is simply meant to open your eyes to something that you may not have considered in the past.

The topic is spiritual addiction, or perhaps more accurately stated, addiction to “spiritual” experiences. I’ve personally witnessed this phenomenon in a large number of people, including of course, myself. It can manifest in a number of ways, although in every case it boils down to the same thing as every other addiction, the need for the next fix. Once you have one or more fantastic spiritual experiences, it is very easy to get sucked into the cycle of seeking the next one, and the next one, and so on down the line.

There are many different forms of spiritual addiction. For some, the kundalini awakening can be very enticing, with blisses that often far exceed any sexual experience. A similar kind of physical addiction sometimes occurs with yoga and/or tantric practices. More often, though, the addiction is mental or emotional. A certain mentality tends to form. This mentality says that perhaps the next experience will be the “right one”, the one that will bring enlightenment. Or at least it will bring on an ecstatic state that can be held fixed, without “falling back” into maya, illusion, sin, or more simply, ordinary life.

Some seekers get into the mode of looking for just the right teacher (or teaching). I’ve known people who spent the better part of their lives traveling around the world seeking out the next teacher, the next fix. I remember being at one gathering where two people were comparing notes over lunch: this guy has the Shakti, that one doesn’t, and so on and so forth. Just like two junkies in the street trying to find the right dealer.

Others of us get into the habit of trying to reproduce our most enticing spiritual experiences. This habit is particularly insidious. We transcend “ordinary reality”, only to find ourselves right back where we started. Then we seek that experience again. But just like with any good drug, sooner or later, you can no longer replicate that same high.

A few years ago, every time I would go to visit my teacher, I would see the most fantastic blue light shimmering all over the horizon at night on my drive home. It felt as if I could see divine consciousness extending everywhere, and it was so beautifully blue. Eventually, like every other experience, it faded. For a while, I really wanted it back, and even tried to see if I could cause it somehow. But at some point I realized it was never going to happen.

It’s as if there is a pendulum of experience, that swings back and forth from high to low. We grasp at the highs, and resist the lows. We think that life would be perfect if only we could control that pendulum. Keep it fixed on high at all times. We think that’s what enlightenment is (clue: it’s not).

Does any of this sound familiar? If by some miracle you’ve never experienced any of these patterns of thinking and behavior yourself, then you certainly have seen them if you’ve attended any spiritual gatherings. If you consider it carefully, you’ll realize that spirituality can be exactly like any other addiction: alcohol, heroin, shopping, television, cigarettes, gambling, pornography. They’re all very much the same - all an attempt to escape life as it is. In a certain sense, spiritual addiction is worse than the others because it is much easier to rationalize as desirable or socially acceptable. Thus it is often a much more difficult habit to give up.

If you’ve read much spiritual literature, you might have encountered the notion that the last attachment of the seeker is seeking itself. Seeing the reality of Oneness is the death of the seeker. It is way simpler and more ordinary than you think. Being a seeker and trying to “be special” are one and the same. Rarely does anyone say, “I just want to be exactly as I am, right now”.

Here is a simple example that illustrates what I am talking about. Not long ago, I met a young woman online through a mutual friend. We chat occasionally, and she often seeks words of wisdom from me. One day, she asked if I could send her a picture of me. When I did, she was very surprised. She said, “I always thought of you as being radical looking, with long hair, or dreadlocks. When I see your picture, if I saw you on the street, I wouldn’t even notice you. I would think that you’re just Joe Schmoe.” My response was, “I am Joe Schmoe.” It’s funny how the mind wants to make wisdom seem so special. It’s not. We all have it. It’s just that many of us are too focused on our attachments to realize it.

Growing up as a child, and even well into adulthood, I always thought there was something wrong with me because I had a certain “indifference” in my personality. I never really wanted all the same experiences people seemed to want, but somehow I was convinced that I should want them. So as an adult I tried them all out, to see if I was missing something. What I eventually realized is that there was nothing wrong with my indifference. In fact, I can now see that it was at the core of my divinity. Maybe you are just like I was. Satisfied with life exactly as it is, but not certain that you should be. And so you seek that which you don’t have.

And so I find myself right back where I started many years ago. Essentially no wiser than the seven year old who began to wonder about God and life.

Experience, however sublime, is not the real thing. By its very nature it comes and goes. Self-realization is not an acquisition. It is more of the nature of understanding. Once arrived at, it cannot be lost. On the other hand, consciousness is changeful, flowing, undergoing transformation from moment to moment. Do not hold on to consciousness and its contents. Consciousness held, ceases. To try to perpetuate a flash of insight, or a burst of happiness is destructive of what it wants to preserve. What comes must go. The permanent is beyond all comings and goings. Go to the root of all experience, to the sense of being. Beyond being and not-being lies the immensity of the real.

-Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That

Very suddenly, starting about 15 minutes ago, the urge to write again has appeared after almost a month of feeling that there was absolutely nothing to say. Somehow the last posting made it out despite all feelings to the contrary, but given that the title was “Hitting the Wall”, it didn’t exactly inspire confidence that more prolific writing was coming soon. It’s impossible to say how eager I’ll be to write again in the future, but yesterday and today I’ve definitely felt that a particular energy has finally passed through (for the most part at least).

It’s that energy that I want to say something about, because it was linked in a very important way to what has been happening. It seemed to culminate two days ago, when I felt significant anger and resentment coming up for a better part of the day. That might sound routine, but for me it is an extremely rare occurrence to experience much anger at all any more. When it does come up, usually it is not very intense and doesn’t last more than a few seconds. However, the other day was different. I won’t go into the details about all the thoughts I had linked to it (let’s just say my work supervisors probably wouldn’t be too eager to hear them), but I will say that it had me very perplexed. Where was it coming from? I had no idea at all, to be honest. In meditation, I really felt it deeply within the Heart, and realized that such anger has an equal place with love and every other emotion. At that moment, there was some kind of physical sensation, which I can only describe as “integration”. Truthfully, I don’t know what it was; but after that, I definitely felt a shift in being. Two days later, I find myself thinking how ridiculous those same thoughts seem today.

These types of experiences have become much more commonplace over the course of the last several months. Latent energies, or whatever you want to call them, will “surface” and manifest in a variety of ways. For instance, not too long ago I had to bail out of a party invitation at the last minute because my arm was so sore I could barely move (try explaining that one to a party host). It came up quite suddenly, and then almost just as quickly, it disappeared a day later. I’ve experienced almost every emotion known to man at various times as well. I’ve come to accept these experiences as natural, although I’m thankful that I haven’t had to go into too many details to explain myself to others when they do happen. People around me just think I’m a bit odd at times, especially when I answer their questions with silence.

It’s important to point out the value of allowing these experiences the room to take course without intervention (when possible). Meditation can facilitate this process. On the other hand, it is also quite common for people to use meditation to attempt to control or suppress such occurrences. Many concentration techniques, such as visualization, following the breath, mantra, and others, can be used to maintain control over the mind and body. They can even be used to produce altered states of consciousness. But this is not true meditation. True meditation is a natural state of being, a state of “transparency”.

Many life principles other than meditation tend to also work this way. For example, the so-called “law of attraction” that seems so popular nowadays is similar. Many people hear about it and try to manipulate it to match their desires. I often hear people say things like, “I manifested such and such”. It’s not true. Life manifests. There is no “I”. Attempts to control manifestation are manipulation, pure and simple. Manipulation isn’t necessarily bad, it just is what it is. When I want to leave the room, I manipulate the doorknob. Of course, it is also quite possible for the body to leave the room without any desire or thinking at all, operating in the natural state.

If you look up the word “transparent” in the dictionary, it will say something like “so sheer as to permit light to pass through”. The natural state of being is transparent, in a sense. Energy can pass through unobstructed by thoughts or desires. Thus I refer to the process of allowing the natural passage of energies as “becoming transparent”. Another way of looking at it is to allow the natural intelligence of the universe to take its course.

Try and you will find in pain a joy which pleasure cannot yield, for the simple reason that acceptance of pain takes you much deeper than pleasure does. The personal self by its very nature is constantly pursuing pleasure and avoiding pain. The ending of this pattern is the ending of the self. The ending of the self with its desires and fears enables you to return to your real nature, the source of all happiness and peace. The perennial desire for pleasure is the reflection of the timeless harmony within. It is an observable fact that one becomes self-conscious only when caught in the conflict between pleasure and pain, which demands choice and decision. It is this clash between desire and fear that causes anger, which is the great destroyer of sanity in life. When pain is accepted for what it is, a lesson and a warning, and deeply looked into and heeded, the separation between pain and pleasure breaks down, both become experience - painful when resisted, joyful when accepted.

- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That

It’s been a while since my last posting. Partly, this is due to the fact that I have been traveling as many of us have this summer, but it is also more than that. Something happened to me recently, and although I can’t identify the exact moment it occurred, there is definitely a line of demarcation. For lack of a better term, I’ll call what happened “hitting the wall”.

As with many experiences on life’s journey, this is not easy to describe in words, but basically, I’ve stopped believing. Stopped believing what I’ve been told, what I’ve read, and even what (I think) I’ve experienced first hand. I’ve also stopped disbelieving. I find myself left with nowhere to stand, and nowhere to go, so that is why I call it “hitting the wall”. This “place” is way beyond the conceptual “I don’t know”. It is a complete and total surrender, with nothing and no one to whom to wave the white flag.

So perhaps you can understand why I may have felt like I had nothing to say for two weeks. Absolutely, positively nothing. It’s not that I didn’t think of interesting things I could write about. It’s just that whatever opinions that I had about them seemed coated with an extra helping of bullshit. Perhaps I’ll get over it, and perhaps I won’t. I really don’t know.

Interesting things began to occur when I brought this new attitude (or more precisely, lack of attitude) to meditation. I am no longer in the driver’s seat. To say that my method is “no method” would be an understatement. I let go of all the manipulations, even the subtle ones, and just let being be whatever it is. No hoping for any results, no expectations. Just observing, and inquiring about who or what I am, or perhaps more accurately, what is this movement of consciousness that seems to be located in or around this body?

I have nothing left to give to the quest for the answers to this inquiry. And ironically, after all these years, I don’t even care for an answer. If there is one, it’s certainly bullshit, too. All that is left is just the wonder and awe that come with the daily adventures on the other side of this “wall”. You see, the wall disappeared when I gave up control. But in doing so, I now have no idea where I am headed, if anywhere. In fact, I don’t much think about it. Just take it as it comes.

I’m not sure what else to say. Hopefully, I’ll feel like writing something again, because I do enjoy the process of writing. Maybe I’ll even be willing to express opinions again. We’ll see. Until then, I wish you the best in your journey.

Unless you make tremendous efforts, you will not be convinced that effort will take you nowhere. The self is so self-confident that unless it is totally discouraged it will not give up. Mere verbal conviction is not enough. Hard facts alone can show the absolute nothingness of the self-image.

-Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That