Today’s topic is a deep and interesting one, although definitely not easy to confront for many spiritual seekers. Before I begin, I want to let you know that what I am about to say might at times sound harsh. It isn’t meant as a condemnation, although you can easily mistake it as such. Rather, it is simply meant to open your eyes to something that you may not have considered in the past.
The topic is spiritual addiction, or perhaps more accurately stated, addiction to “spiritual” experiences. I’ve personally witnessed this phenomenon in a large number of people, including of course, myself. It can manifest in a number of ways, although in every case it boils down to the same thing as every other addiction, the need for the next fix. Once you have one or more fantastic spiritual experiences, it is very easy to get sucked into the cycle of seeking the next one, and the next one, and so on down the line.
There are many different forms of spiritual addiction. For some, the kundalini awakening can be very enticing, with blisses that often far exceed any sexual experience. A similar kind of physical addiction sometimes occurs with yoga and/or tantric practices. More often, though, the addiction is mental or emotional. A certain mentality tends to form. This mentality says that perhaps the next experience will be the “right one”, the one that will bring enlightenment. Or at least it will bring on an ecstatic state that can be held fixed, without “falling back” into maya, illusion, sin, or more simply, ordinary life.
Some seekers get into the mode of looking for just the right teacher (or teaching). I’ve known people who spent the better part of their lives traveling around the world seeking out the next teacher, the next fix. I remember being at one gathering where two people were comparing notes over lunch: this guy has the Shakti, that one doesn’t, and so on and so forth. Just like two junkies in the street trying to find the right dealer.
Others of us get into the habit of trying to reproduce our most enticing spiritual experiences. This habit is particularly insidious. We transcend “ordinary reality”, only to find ourselves right back where we started. Then we seek that experience again. But just like with any good drug, sooner or later, you can no longer replicate that same high.
A few years ago, every time I would go to visit my teacher, I would see the most fantastic blue light shimmering all over the horizon at night on my drive home. It felt as if I could see divine consciousness extending everywhere, and it was so beautifully blue. Eventually, like every other experience, it faded. For a while, I really wanted it back, and even tried to see if I could cause it somehow. But at some point I realized it was never going to happen.
It’s as if there is a pendulum of experience, that swings back and forth from high to low. We grasp at the highs, and resist the lows. We think that life would be perfect if only we could control that pendulum. Keep it fixed on high at all times. We think that’s what enlightenment is (clue: it’s not).
Does any of this sound familiar? If by some miracle you’ve never experienced any of these patterns of thinking and behavior yourself, then you certainly have seen them if you’ve attended any spiritual gatherings. If you consider it carefully, you’ll realize that spirituality can be exactly like any other addiction: alcohol, heroin, shopping, television, cigarettes, gambling, pornography. They’re all very much the same - all an attempt to escape life as it is. In a certain sense, spiritual addiction is worse than the others because it is much easier to rationalize as desirable or socially acceptable. Thus it is often a much more difficult habit to give up.
If you’ve read much spiritual literature, you might have encountered the notion that the last attachment of the seeker is seeking itself. Seeing the reality of Oneness is the death of the seeker. It is way simpler and more ordinary than you think. Being a seeker and trying to “be special” are one and the same. Rarely does anyone say, “I just want to be exactly as I am, right now”.
Here is a simple example that illustrates what I am talking about. Not long ago, I met a young woman online through a mutual friend. We chat occasionally, and she often seeks words of wisdom from me. One day, she asked if I could send her a picture of me. When I did, she was very surprised. She said, “I always thought of you as being radical looking, with long hair, or dreadlocks. When I see your picture, if I saw you on the street, I wouldn’t even notice you. I would think that you’re just Joe Schmoe.” My response was, “I am Joe Schmoe.” It’s funny how the mind wants to make wisdom seem so special. It’s not. We all have it. It’s just that many of us are too focused on our attachments to realize it.
Growing up as a child, and even well into adulthood, I always thought there was something wrong with me because I had a certain “indifference” in my personality. I never really wanted all the same experiences people seemed to want, but somehow I was convinced that I should want them. So as an adult I tried them all out, to see if I was missing something. What I eventually realized is that there was nothing wrong with my indifference. In fact, I can now see that it was at the core of my divinity. Maybe you are just like I was. Satisfied with life exactly as it is, but not certain that you should be. And so you seek that which you don’t have.
And so I find myself right back where I started many years ago. Essentially no wiser than the seven year old who began to wonder about God and life.
Experience, however sublime, is not the real thing. By its very nature it comes and goes. Self-realization is not an acquisition. It is more of the nature of understanding. Once arrived at, it cannot be lost. On the other hand, consciousness is changeful, flowing, undergoing transformation from moment to moment. Do not hold on to consciousness and its contents. Consciousness held, ceases. To try to perpetuate a flash of insight, or a burst of happiness is destructive of what it wants to preserve. What comes must go. The permanent is beyond all comings and goings. Go to the root of all experience, to the sense of being. Beyond being and not-being lies the immensity of the real.
-Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That
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