It’s been a while since my last posting. Partly, this is due to the fact that I have been traveling as many of us have this summer, but it is also more than that. Something happened to me recently, and although I can’t identify the exact moment it occurred, there is definitely a line of demarcation. For lack of a better term, I’ll call what happened “hitting the wall”.
As with many experiences on life’s journey, this is not easy to describe in words, but basically, I’ve stopped believing. Stopped believing what I’ve been told, what I’ve read, and even what (I think) I’ve experienced first hand. I’ve also stopped disbelieving. I find myself left with nowhere to stand, and nowhere to go, so that is why I call it “hitting the wall”. This “place” is way beyond the conceptual “I don’t know”. It is a complete and total surrender, with nothing and no one to whom to wave the white flag.
So perhaps you can understand why I may have felt like I had nothing to say for two weeks. Absolutely, positively nothing. It’s not that I didn’t think of interesting things I could write about. It’s just that whatever opinions that I had about them seemed coated with an extra helping of bullshit. Perhaps I’ll get over it, and perhaps I won’t. I really don’t know.
Interesting things began to occur when I brought this new attitude (or more precisely, lack of attitude) to meditation. I am no longer in the driver’s seat. To say that my method is “no method” would be an understatement. I let go of all the manipulations, even the subtle ones, and just let being be whatever it is. No hoping for any results, no expectations. Just observing, and inquiring about who or what I am, or perhaps more accurately, what is this movement of consciousness that seems to be located in or around this body?
I have nothing left to give to the quest for the answers to this inquiry. And ironically, after all these years, I don’t even care for an answer. If there is one, it’s certainly bullshit, too. All that is left is just the wonder and awe that come with the daily adventures on the other side of this “wall”. You see, the wall disappeared when I gave up control. But in doing so, I now have no idea where I am headed, if anywhere. In fact, I don’t much think about it. Just take it as it comes.
I’m not sure what else to say. Hopefully, I’ll feel like writing something again, because I do enjoy the process of writing. Maybe I’ll even be willing to express opinions again. We’ll see. Until then, I wish you the best in your journey.
Unless you make tremendous efforts, you will not be convinced that effort will take you nowhere. The self is so self-confident that unless it is totally discouraged it will not give up. Mere verbal conviction is not enough. Hard facts alone can show the absolute nothingness of the self-image.
-Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That
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