Silent Musings

What is communication, and why is it that I refer to communication as mysterious? For starters, it is not something that is easily understood. In fact, understanding is exactly what gets in the way of communication. It occurs on many levels, both gross and subtle. And we mostly assume that communication has some meaning, but I’m not convinced it actually does. No, in fact, true communication is a complete mystery.

I probably ought to distinguish what I’ll call “true communication” from more general notions of what communication is. True communication has a quality that is very distinct from run of the mill (cultural) discourse. In fact, most people rarely experience true communication. And yet, without a doubt, you’ve experienced it. If you’ve ever been a mother holding a newborn baby, then you know what it is. Perhaps you’ve experienced true communication in your lover’s embrace, or held the hand of someone who is dying. Maybe you’ve experienced it during a spiritual retreat. If you’ve ever delivered or received an apology that comes from the Heart, then you’ve been in true communication. It’s also been there the times you’ve been touched, moved, or inspired by someone, or if you were the one providing the inspiration.

What do all of these experiences have in common? Communication provided an “opening” for Love to be present. It was unconditional. Accepting. Without judgment. It was a creative act. And almost certainly, thinking and understanding took a backseat, at least for a short period of time.

Contrary to popular usage of the word “communication”, true communication is not “thinking on loudspeaker”. Dumping thoughts on someone has nothing to do with true communication; in fact, it is pretty much its antithesis. True communication is a state of being. Presence. As in the phrase, “being in communication”. It is a state quite distinct from “being in one’s head while speaking or listening”. True communication is not knowing. There are no expectations or preconceived notions of the circumstances or participants.

Even people who are masterful with true communication typically do not experience it all the time. It may be possible; however, in practice, it’s much more common to slip in and out of this state of true communication as thoughts creep in and take over. Most people think they know what true communication is, but the observations that I’ve made over the years suggest that it is often not the case. In fact, what distinguishes masters of true communication from average folk is the ability to recognize when true communication is present, and when it isn’t. A real master will be constantly vigilant for when true communication slips away, and in the recognition, restore it before most anyone else even notices.

Is true communication useful? Well, if it isn’t obvious by now, it is the doorway to Love. It is also a doorway to growth and awakening. A single conversation in which true communication occurs can instantly transform the lives of its participants. In terms of human interaction, it’s all anyone really wants, when you boil relationships down to their essence.

Why do you suppose that so many of those knock-down drag-out fights between lovers often end with incredible “make-up” sex? The reason is simple. It’s because after the eruption, there is a period where true communication takes place. For many couples, this is the only time that true communication happens, and in fact, I’ve witnessed cases where one partner will deliberately instigate fights in order to get to the “connection” that true communication produces. However, I don’t recommend this approach.

How to be in true communication? Like many things, it is very simple, but not always easy. Give up being right, or any need for the worldwide adoption of your infinite wisdom (also known as your point of view). It helps to listen. Actually, really listen. Without any agenda other than listening. Trying to convince anyone of anything is violence, plain and simple, and usually does more harm than good.

You might be inclined to think that this means being passive or submissive, but it does not. In fact, often I find that to be in true communication I need to be very direct and blunt, and sometimes seemingly cruel when there is an issue in the way. Not too long ago I had a conversation with a loved one in which I was very direct, and uncharacteristically confrontational. It was needed, because this person was being especially stubborn, but I could also see was willing to have a breakthrough. I delivered the communication without convincing or making wrong. In essence, I said, “I refuse to relate to you as the small person you are making yourself out to be. You are so much more than that.” Something to that effect. And with a great deal of power. Remember, true communication is not a description of an already existing world. It is declarative, even in silence, creating its world moment by moment.

It’s important to keep in mind that life is never what it seems. It only is what it is. Having a point of view is an obstacle to true communication, and to awakening as well. Often, the biggest upheavals in life occur just prior to awakening. And thus what may seem like a big problem can often be the prelude to something very grand. True communication in these situations rarely “looks like it’s going to work”, and yet mysteriously, it can provide just the opening that is needed. In other words, it has no agenda, but is somehow still effective. And yet, most of us will turn our agendas into overdrive in a situation like this when it looks like something needs fixing. This is the violence that I referred to earlier.

There is an art to “restoring” true communication. Each person and situation is different. What may succeed in one case might fail miserably in another. The best advice I can give is to become committed to recognizing when true communication seems to be lost. In reality, true communication is always present. But alas, we just don’t notice it much of the time.

True communication is not a one person phenomenon. It’s a movement of life, a current. Like awakening or enlightenment. There are no enlightened individuals, there is simply enlightenment. Yes, awakening may tend to occur in the presence of certain people, and similarly with true communication. Personally, I follow intuition about what is appropriate to the given moment. Usually I just look and see what I am inspired to say, not really knowing at all why it might be of value to someone. When I “get it right”, the results are often beyond my imagination. This is a skill that may take a lifetime to master, and yet once mastered, is completely effortless.

The Uninvited Guest

Stranger at my door,
go away, please!

Who is this Mysterious being,
Silent,
and yet so engaging?

It’s Me, you say?
No, a mirror,
your dance partner.

Please do come again!
Next time I’ll prepare a feast.