Silent Musings

On my drive home from work yesterday, I had a very unusual experience that, for lack of a better label, I’ll call “meeting the fool”. It didn’t last very long (my commute is only 5 minutes), but its impression was definitely lasting.

I was thinking about my past, especially over the last few years, and suddenly something dawned on me. That person named “Mike” from a year ago was such a fool. At least according to today’s version. Then the obvious next thought was, “what about next year?” And of course I realized that I’ll look back to today and think, “what a fool I was.” So why wait until next year? I’ve already met the fool, and he is me. Right now.

Usually we reserve this kind of realization for others. George Bush is obviously a fool. But yesterday, I found myself alone in foolish company. And I’m still there today.

Actually, this experience runs even much deeper than what I’ve said so far. It was really one of those “down to the bone” experiences. The next thing I realized was that there is no need to invalidate whatever foolish thoughts I am having, because they are all that is right now. There is no place to get to other than being foolish. The illusion is someday I won’t be a fool, or that today I finally see the light. At least until tomorrow or next week or next year when I’ll realize that I was still a fool.

Then I noticed that the continuity of “I” was beginning to unravel. That person from last year whom I thought I was no longer exists, and never did. And even if he did exist, upon close examination I certainly don’t identify with him as I once did. What a fool would think that there is even a person there? Obviously there was no continuity at all. Just a collection of moments of “I am”.

It suddenly seemed so absurd that the need to establish identity is so prevalent in the world. Why is it that it seems so absurd? It’s not the standard reasoning about dropping the ego to escape pain or suffering or any of that nonsense. Simply absurdity. Feelings are not absurd. Just the labels we put on them.

Now there is nothing from past experience left on which to drop an anchor. Everything is different, every moment I can remember. When I think about life from moment to moment, I find that there is often a concern to be addressed (i.e. life = a series of concerns). But now those concerns just don’t seem so important when I see the discontinuity in them. What am I trying to preserve? Sometime soon, I won’t even want those preserved concerns. Instead, I’ll think, “Why did I feel that way? Why did I want that?”

Do you ever find that rather than just being who or what you are right now, you are more concerned about improving or preserving it in some form? Of course, this would be a great way to maintain the continuity of self-loathing. Even if you change for the better, you can always look back and say, “what a jerk I was.” Or if you don’t change, “how stagnant I’ve been.” Why not just embrace being the fool right now instead?

You’ve seen a herd of goats
going down to the water.

The lame and dreamy goat
brings up the rear.

There are worried faces about that one,
but now they’re laughing,

because look, as they return,
that goat is leading!

There are many different kinds of knowing.
The lame goat’s kind is a branch
that traces back to the roots of presence.

Learn from the lame goat,
and lead the herd home.

-Rumi