Silent Musings

Lately I’ve been feeling a lot of internal letting go, especially of certain long held views and mental habits. It’s difficult to explain this process, because it is not something that occurs through effort, and those habits are not necessarily ones that I have some intention to purge. In fact, I wonder a lot what will become of me as they go, as the one I call “me” is very much defined by them. Not in the sense of such definitions as “I am a scientist”, or “I like chocolate ice cream”, but rather at a much more fundamental level than this.

For example, I find myself beginning to question the importance of desire at all levels. Do I need to accomplish anything? Feel any pleasure? What would be the point? It all seems so shallow in comparison to living the Truth. At the same time, it is equally unimportant that this process should end up in any particular place. Desire could have a place here and now, even intensely so, or it could not. No agenda, no agent.

I don’t know what the Truth is, but I know what it isn’t. It isn’t pre-planned or known by anyone. It is a living organism, the unfolding cosmos, revealed only in its immediate existence and action.

When the saints speak of purification, I believe they are speaking of such a process of moving in the immediacy of the Truth. A living that is not determined by any particular habitual pattern, but rather by communion with what is. The notion of trying to eliminate sin or negativity only introduces entanglement. Somewhat like trying to tell God how to design a tree or a bumblebee.

I see beauty in everything, even in the infinite depths of attachment. Desire exists in every energetic movement of consciousness, and yet Shakti she is also completely unbound and unknowable. The deepest form of paradox. Such is the nature of her radiant splendor. With profound acceptance comes this purification of which I make such a feeble attempt to describe.

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.
It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.
It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.
I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.

And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

- Rabindranath Tagore, Gitanjali

It seems I’m always talking with people about the nature of the conditioned mind. It’s ironic to call the mind “conditioned” when there is no such thing as an unconditioned mind. The whole function of the mind is conditioning. It’s a pattern recognition machine, capable of “relating” only to the past and future. It has absolutely nothing to do with the present, and hence nothing to do with reality as it is. It is also only capable of recycling old thoughts. That’s right, every thought is an old thought. These, too.

It’s very useful if you want to earn a college degree or have a job to help you pay for groceries. Especially if you don’t have friends or family that can help you find the grocery store.

Lately I’ve been noticing the extent to which all of that we call “experience” is shaped by the conditioning of our minds. Here’s an example that illustrates a point of view not often considered. Are you psychic, or do you know someone who is? We tend to think of this sort of thing as a special gift or power. But really isn’t it simply conditioning like everything else? That’s right, just another view of the Universe. Not actually all that different than being a neo-con, an anti-war protester, a scientist, or believing in the Easter Bunny.

And here is the trouble with views. Every view creates division, this and that, and as a result either fear or pleasure, or both. That’s right, and your local neighborhood spiritual bookstore will have a thousand tomes calling this duality. The notion of the existence of an ego is simply a view as well. A view that asserts a self that is separate from objects and other selves. Many people will try to convince you of the paramount importance of destroying the ego. Sorry, but that’s just another view. How can you destroy what doesn’t even exist in reality? And I won’t even get into the paradox of destruction here. In the process of solving one perceived problem, you’re creating yet another. You could call this the problem with problems.

Fear, fear, fear. You have no idea how much it runs your life. Pretty much our whole culture is defined by it. Everything you know creates fear. Often subtle and unnoticeable, but only because it is unexamined. Fear is like shit that doesn’t stink any more after you sit with it long enough. And how do we usually deal with fear when we can perceive it? We try to eliminate it by understanding it. Yeah, like that will work.

So now that I’ve attempted to destroy all semblance of hope in your life, I suppose you would like me to offer a view that will free you of the bonds of the conditioned mind. Well, if I had any sense, I would just stop writing right now, but being a crazy human and all, I’ll keep the bullshit flowing just a little bit longer. In truth, I have no idea what to say, other than to find out for yourself. Directly, by interacting with what is. There is no truth about fear or the conditioning of the mind. Those are just concepts, views, having absolutely nothing to do with the present, and hence nothing to do with reality as it is.

Hey, didn’t I already say that?

Insight is not an act of remembrance, the continuation of memory. Insight is like a flash of light. You see with absolute clarity, all the complications, the consequences, the intricacies. Then this very insight is action, complete. In that there are no regrets, no looking back, no sense of being weighed down, no discrimination. This is pure, clear insight - perception without any shadow of doubt. Most of us begin with certainty and as we grow older the certainty changes to uncertainty and we die with uncertainty. But if one begins with uncertainty, doubting, questioning, asking demanding, with real doubt about man’s behaviour, about all the religious rituals and their images and their symbols, then out of that doubt comes the clarity of certainty. - J. Krishnamurti

I have heard said by those few whose wisdom I would trust with my life that there inevitably comes a time in one’s evolutionary development when all the tricks of the spiritual trade will eventually fail. Every meditation, mantra, asana, pranayama, visualization, or other “spiritual maneuver” will eventually run out of juice. Rendered utterly helpless, one has no recourse but to hope, with absolutely no guarantees, that Grace will come and take us beyond our current predicament.

I wondered about this for several years after I first heard it. It didn’t seem true, because I could always somehow manage to “make progress”, either on my own or with the assistance of others. At some point, however, I began to wonder what progress even meant. Was I kidding myself altogether about the meaning of spiritual evolution? In a way, yes, right down to the core. But this wisdom cannot be explained, at least not in any way I know how to convey. It needs to be experienced. One thing I can say for certain is that it’s not something you’ll see anyone selling on Madison Avenue. In fact, they’re all selling almost the exact opposite of what I’m talking about. Most of the spiritual teachers, too. Poor bastards. Maybe they’re the lucky ones. Blissfully unaware. But sooner or later (later for most), they will all know what I am talking about. Without a doubt.

At the same time, at least in my case, Love has a funny way of turning around. Our cultural conditioning teaches us that Love comes to us in various forms, and fills our Hearts from the outside, courtesy of the perfect Lover, the perfect God in Heaven, or the perfect calorie-free, genetically engineered Snickers bar. But the One True Heart doesn’t actually operate that way. We’re just too blind to see that we’ve been duped with a cheap substitute. And the real joke of the Universe is to discover that you, yes You, are the perpetrator of this Myth of Love. This bittersweet discovery is capped with the realization that the perfect Lover IS the Heart. Right Here. Right Now. Always Is. Always Has Been.

Many of us were taught as children that if we just prayed to the almighty Jesus, he would “deliver us”. A “spiritual maneuver” if ever there was one. You may “make progress” for a while on this path, be your God Jesus, Krishna, Allah, the Buddha, or your local neighborhood avatar. But eventually, you will find yourself more lost than ever. Helpless.

The irony is that Prayer and Devotion are your only recourse at this point. But not the manipulative sort that we were all taught as children. No, this is a radical Love story that takes place completely within. Not in a fantasy world either. True Love. You cannot explain it — you can only BE it. Let the Heart cry its deepest sorrow, pain, and yearning. If anyone tells you that suffering is optional here, know that they are full of the most oppressive kind of shit. Let the pain flow until it fills the Universe. Discover how perfectly Beautiful it is. Exquisite.

Until the mind is shaken from its hold to its transcendent center, the truly ultimate state of being cannot dawn. For becoming and Being to finally merge the heart must be shattered in devotion; then the state of Self Awareness (Paramatman) is subject to the tornadoes of feeling that are known only to the heart. Only then can you say that you’ve been beyond the place of laughter and tears in the land of devotion. — David Spero