Silent Musings

Those of us who have picked up and read a book or two about spiritual cultivation have most certainly encountered the term “letting go” in this context, and almost as certainly thought that we knew what it meant when we read it. Right? It’s a very simple idea, after all. However, although it’s quite straightforward conceptually, I’m fairly certain that when we first encounter it, most of us have nowhere near an accurate picture in our minds of what letting go actually entails. I know that I didn’t.

The reason for this misunderstanding is quite simple. Until letting go actually occurs, there is a fundamental context in place that is in search of some personal benefit as an outcome of the process. Whether we want freedom from the knots that bind us, or to reach some higher ecstatic planes of consciousness, or to find our ideal tantric lover, or any other of a number of ego-centered desires, those motives are always there, lurking beneath the surface. The most insidious of these is the one in which we are exhalted above all others, the perfect saint to be loved and revered. We may tell ourselves that this isn’t our wish, but let’s get real here. It comes in many forms - perhaps you want to be the foremost object of love for “The One”, your soulmate and lover. Or to be admired by your friends and family, or even your children. Or maybe you have grander plans and wish to be singled out by an entire flock of devotees. The experience of separation that is so fundamental to our existence here on planet Earth has no alternative than to manifest as such desires.

Until we tell ourselves the truth about our desires, we are slaves to them. Looking back over my life, the question of good, better, or best, of being loved and admired has stalked me like a horny labrador after a bitch in heat. Sure, I’ve managed to loosen the grip it has on me somewhat, but even in its subtle forms there is an absoluteness to it. An undeniable holding on to that sense of identity-existence.

Letting go here is a radical step, and cannot possibly be understood in terms of its consequences and meaning. It can only be experienced, and even then, any interpretation that we assign to it is a fool’s escapade. Confusion, boredom, fear, even terror, are completely appropriate companion emotions on this journey. The only reason we keep going forward is that it would be even more unbearable to stop or to turn back. We desperately want to surrender, but to what?! There is nothing and nobody to which or to whom to surrender.

And yet, despite all the mixed feelings, we continue to creep ever so slowly and cautiously toward our destiny, hoping somehow, we can preserve something of ourselves in the end, to enjoy our ultimate triumph. The play of God is quite comic, I must say.