Silent Musings

Where do I start? Well, as my friend Walt is fond of saying, “Start at the beginning, proceed to the end, and then stop.” Fair enough. Unfortunately, this story has no beginning, nor any end for that matter. But nonetheless, there is a certain beauty to its timeliness that cannot be denied, no matter when it occurs. Perhaps I should just start from the middle.

Much of the time, I ride the train to work, the L.A. Metro Rail Gold Line to be exact. And as you might imagine, or perhaps have seen firsthand, the insides of those light rail trains are not designed to be particularly attractive from an aesthetic viewpoint. Lately however, I have found the nondescript floors of the train to be more than satisfying to the eye, in fact, to the entirety of Being. As I stare at the Blackberry/iPhone/iPod carrying crowd deeply engaged with their fantasy worlds, I choose the floor, the walls, the windows … the whole train as my venue. As I take it all in, I find myself laughing silently, the kind of laugh that also wants to cry, the kind of laugh where the floor laughs back at me. I am on a train after all. Might as well be where I am.

Some years ago I experienced a series of awakenings, which spurred me to explore the world of self realization with a fervor rarely expressed in search of Truth. Back then it seemed every spare minute I could find was dedicated to the pursuit of that something that I couldn’t quite identify, and in my foolishness I was certain that I would know it when I found it. Meditation practice occupied several hours a day as a regular habit. After some years, my passion softened somewhat, and single-mindedness naturally expanded into a more whole-life encompassing view. With a delicate subtlety, love, compassion, and beauty turned the game around, and gradually I became aware of their seeking me. Day by day, almost imperceptibly, I surrendered to their pursuit. And as I shared a laugh with the floor of the train one morning last week, I realized that I had given up completely.

The world of spiritual cultivation is filled with overt and covert promises of becoming supernatural. And in our fantasies, we envision ourselves expanding beyond the perceived boundaries of the Cosmos, being One with All of It. Even if we’ve experienced such expansions in meditative absorption, it’s not enough, we must find them again. We’ve even invented a whole vocabulary to describe these images - samadhi, kundalini awakening, opening the third eye, … blah, blah, blah. I’ve got a secret for you - it’s all a big Fantasy. Sorry, but we spiritual seekers are not any different than our fellow rail commuters, desperately clinging to their gadgets so that they don’t have to deal directly with the fact that they are on a train.

Surrender means giving up the pursuit and accepting, done to the bone, that you’ll never get anything from meditation or any other spiritual practice, other than being right here exactly where you already are. Mundane, of the world, form is emptiness, and emptiness is form. If you actually give up, and aren’t just fantasizing about surrender, you may find a profound beauty in the simplicity of the floor beneath your feet. And perhaps you will find yourself laughing/crying, as the floor laughs back at you for the foolishness of all those years of seeking.

It is important to see that the main point of any spiritual practice is to step out of the bureaucracy of ego. This means stepping out of ego’s constant desire for a higher, more spiritual, more transcendental version of knowledge, religion, virtue, judgment, comfort, or whatever it is that the particular ego is seeking. One must step out of spiritual materialism. If we do not step out of spiritual materialism, if we in fact practice it, then we may eventually find ourselves possessed of a huge collection of spiritual paths. We may feel these spiritual collections to be very precious. We have studied so much. We may have studied Western philosophy or Oriental philosophy, practiced yoga, or perhaps have studied under dozens of great masters. We have achieved and we have learned. We believe that we have accumulated a hoard of knowledge. And yet, having gone through all this, there is still something to give up. It is extremely mysterious! How could this happen? Impossible! But unfortunately it is so. Our vast collections of knowledge and experience are just part of ego’s display, part of the grandiose quality of ego. We display them to the world and, in doing so, reassure ourselves that we exist, safe and secure, as “spiritual” people. -Chögyam Trungpa, from Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism

The title pretty much says it all. Lately it seems I’ve been on a long, strange trip, and the more certain I am that I’m headed in the right direction, the more it seems that the path disappears and leaves me without any reference points. The only certainty is that the Heart remains, Still, and yet so full of Fire and Tears.

As I look at the world around me, I see people living in a dream, and inexorably I realize that I am the Dreamer. The only apparent reality comes in the form of indescribable expressions of beauty that I see, hear, taste, touch, and feel from every direction. A Union with the Mystery, with the Divine. I don’t know if I know, or if I don’t know, of if there is even such a thing as knowledge. Certainty herself flees me as quickly as she appears, as does her constant companion uncertainty.

One thing I can say, is that this dream world is so beautifully full of shit. We think that we have discovered a special secret, that if we can produce some mystical state and Merge with the Universe, that we’ll finally Arrive. Whether it’s in samadhi, kensho, satori, a kundalini rising, the perfect tantric lover, a sudden flash of insight, the fire of deep devotion, finding Jesus as your Savior, or whatever. There are a million descriptions of the Divine. All so, so exquisite… and all bullshit. Life doesn’t mean anything. Nor does Enlightenment. There isn’t even any such thing. Life simply is what it is. Spendidly so.

Go and spend some time with your Lover. Or walk in Nature. Or just Listen. Feel the bittersweet pangs of the Heart as she wails in the suffering of Division. Life will show you what Is. Where and when if not Here and Now? The Laughter will show you the Way. I recommend you leave behind all the crap you know. It isn’t as easy as it sounds, but you can do it.

What is the difference
Between your experience of Existence
and that of a saint?

The saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God

And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move

That the saint is now continually
Tripping over Joy
And bursting out in Laughter
And saying, “I Surrender!”

Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think

You have a thousand serious moves.

-Hafiz

It seems as though Death is stalking us wherever I look lately. My girlfriend has been praying every day that her grandmother will hold on to life long enough for one last visit in November. A special friend of mine has lost three dear friends on three different occasions within the last month, all of whom were under age 25. And even WaMu bank suddenly kicked the bucket Thursday after federal regulators seized it and sold it off to JP Morgan Chase.

No one or nothing is immune. Death is everywhere, and in everything.

I sent the following passage as part of an email message to my friend yesterday. I doubt it was of much comfort to her. She is amazing and awake, but regardless of what I have to say, death still pains her - and all of the rest of us as well.

“Life” really is death, and what we think of as life is just an illusion. And what we normally think of as “death” is also an illusion. Death happens every instant. When you really look at it, there aren’t even instants. Just memories, impressions. All on top of a big fat Nothing.

Most people live life in their heads. In fact, all people do. If you think you are “living in the present moment”, well, I’ve got a clue for you - you aren’t. Perception is completely, 100%, in the past. The future also resides in thinking, in concepts. The present doesn’t exist as an experience. It’s an idea we use to convince ourselves that we aren’t living completely in the past and in the future.

What we usually call life is a vast collection of impressions. If you examine them carefully enough, you may see that those impressions are not real, but rather are reflections of “isness”. Only Being is. Moreover, Being is timeless, with no past or future, no change, just simple pure awareness of existence, which in itself is empty. Everything returns to the Tao. There is only death, nothingness, pure possibility.

All fear is fear of death. Fear that “I” am not immortal. This is simply and truly the ultimate cosmic joke of all time. Death is exactly that which will set you free and that which you fear.

Security as we perceive it cannot exist. It strangles itself in conflict, and leads to an unending spiral of fear, hate, violence, perpetration, war, and affliction. Ironically, though, death is the ultimate security. Nothing has persistence, and nothing ever can. In the world of time, life is in a constant state of transformation. An endless series of illusions of death and rebirth. Learn to enjoy them, play, and feel the exquisite pain of their passing into oblivion forever. How can life contain such joy and such sorrow? How can it not?

Is there anyone left who can see what is happening? It’s hard to tell. For the most part, we’ve all been sucked into a polarized discourse of Who is Right and Who is Wrong, Who is Right and Who is Left. We also argue ad infinitum about what point of view, or what social system, will get us out of this mess. We debate just as vociferously about the causes. Well, at least we mostly all agree about there being a mess. How long are we willing to put up with this shit? It’s already been like, what, a few thousand years give or take?

Here is a radical notion. Rather than continuing to deliberate endlessly about the cause of this mess, or what actions will ameliorate it, let’s take a closer look at what it is, and what is common to every viewpoint. Yes, for the moment I’m admitting to having something, in fact everything, in common with Bush, Cheney, and all the other criminals in our government.

No matter which particular point of view you hold, the fact that there is some kind of messed up shit going on is a state of mind. In fact, it is all simply the activity of the mind. But don’t believe me because I say so, take a close look. Where does conflict arise? Investigate!

Does it not live in the past and the future? In our pursuit of happiness? In pain and pleasure? In avoiding what will bring us harm? The protection of I, Me, and Mine? In having a point of view in the first place? In the belief that there is some correct belief system? What would Jesus say?

Are you really looking, or just finding a way to agree or argue with me? Are you actually free, or is your action determined by your point of view?

If you are truly interested in freedom, a revolution in your very existence and that of the world around you, you will seek the answers to these questions. And not in the mind, concepts, or points of view! There is no freedom from conflict in any point of view.

Here is a hint. Find the Silence beyond the mind and all points of view. In that Silence, there are no answers to be found, and yet, profoundly, there is a natural state of being that is free of conflict, and acts according to its own true nature. But don’t take my word for it - Be the Revolution.

Among all topics written about extensively in scriptures, books and articles in the realm of spirituality, desire may be the one that is written about in the most damaging fashion. The conventional wisdom seems to point to the elimination of desire as an important and fundamental step on the spiritual path. To be fair, not all sources actually say this, but they are often interpreted as such nonetheless. For example, to say that all suffering is a result of desire is not to say that we should eliminate desire, or even suffering for that matter. It may actually be true that all suffering results from desire, but it may be equally true that all life results from desire. Have you ever really examined this?

Rather than simply accepting what others have said, I’ve spent many years examining desire from as many angles as possible. For example, I maintained a completely celibate lifestyle for close to two years in my examination of the relationship between desire and sexuality. It was quite an eye opening experience. I won’t bother going into the details of relating what I concluded, if anything, because there really isn’t any value to be found in conclusions. If you are curious enough, perhaps you’ll just try it out. Or not. In any case, it just illustrates how far I was willing to go to discover my actual relationship with desire. I continue in that discovery every moment. Fuck the myths. Really.

Now I’m not asserting that all desires are healthy, nor am I saying that one wouldn’t benefit from the elimination of some forms of desire. However, in my experience, the falling away of unhealthy desires occurs as naturally as breathing itself, if one allows it. And I am asserting that forced attempts to eliminate perceived unwanted desires can be very damaging to the well being of a human life.

Last weekend I was feeling the effects of American life in a heavy way, and concluded that I needed to get away from the rat-race for a bit. So my girlfriend and I got in the car and drove out to Angeles National Forest, which is really more of a burnt out desert on hills than a forest such as one would find in the eastern U.S.

We hiked down into a canyon and sat and meditated for a bit. Slowly but surely, the presence of life made itself into my awareness in a deep and touching way. Although fires had clearly consumed many of the trees that surrounded us, there was life in them nonetheless. Life was everywhere and in everything. Life … Death … Breath … Desire … Beauty … Love … all Present. Whatever headache had accompanied me into the forest dissolved into this deepest desire to inhale the breath of life. As we hiked back up the canyon wall to go home, I could see the breath of life hovering in the canyon air, with movement everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time. I lingered on the precious edge of weeping for the entire walk back.

There is nothing anyone can say that will convince me that such experiences of desire ought to be eliminated from my life. I’ve been accused many times of being detached, but hey, I’m still alive. My teacher is fond of saying that the only real need for human beings is the movement toward ecstasy. How could such volition exist without desire? Sorry, but I have to agree with the teacher on this one.

But don’t take my word for it. Get interested enough to find out for yourself. Fuck the myths … mine, the Buddha’s, or anyone else’s.

When there is a total understanding of need, the outward and the inner, then desire is not torture. Then it has a quite different meaning, a significance far beyond the content of thought and it goes beyond feeling, with its emotions, myths and illusions. With the total understanding of need, not the mere quantity or the quality of it, desire then is a flame and not a torture. Without this flame life itself is lost. It is this flame that burns away the pettiness of its object, the frontiers, the fences that have been imposed upon it. Then call it by whatever name you will, love, death, beauty. Then it is there without an end. - J. Krishnamurti