Silent Musings

Those of us who have picked up and read a book or two about spiritual cultivation have most certainly encountered the term “letting go” in this context, and almost as certainly thought that we knew what it meant when we read it. Right? It’s a very simple idea, after all. However, although it’s quite straightforward conceptually, I’m fairly certain that when we first encounter it, most of us have nowhere near an accurate picture in our minds of what letting go actually entails. I know that I didn’t.

The reason for this misunderstanding is quite simple. Until letting go actually occurs, there is a fundamental context in place that is in search of some personal benefit as an outcome of the process. Whether we want freedom from the knots that bind us, or to reach some higher ecstatic planes of consciousness, or to find our ideal tantric lover, or any other of a number of ego-centered desires, those motives are always there, lurking beneath the surface. The most insidious of these is the one in which we are exhalted above all others, the perfect saint to be loved and revered. We may tell ourselves that this isn’t our wish, but let’s get real here. It comes in many forms - perhaps you want to be the foremost object of love for “The One”, your soulmate and lover. Or to be admired by your friends and family, or even your children. Or maybe you have grander plans and wish to be singled out by an entire flock of devotees. The experience of separation that is so fundamental to our existence here on planet Earth has no alternative than to manifest as such desires.

Until we tell ourselves the truth about our desires, we are slaves to them. Looking back over my life, the question of good, better, or best, of being loved and admired has stalked me like a horny labrador after a bitch in heat. Sure, I’ve managed to loosen the grip it has on me somewhat, but even in its subtle forms there is an absoluteness to it. An undeniable holding on to that sense of identity-existence.

Letting go here is a radical step, and cannot possibly be understood in terms of its consequences and meaning. It can only be experienced, and even then, any interpretation that we assign to it is a fool’s escapade. Confusion, boredom, fear, even terror, are completely appropriate companion emotions on this journey. The only reason we keep going forward is that it would be even more unbearable to stop or to turn back. We desperately want to surrender, but to what?! There is nothing and nobody to which or to whom to surrender.

And yet, despite all the mixed feelings, we continue to creep ever so slowly and cautiously toward our destiny, hoping somehow, we can preserve something of ourselves in the end, to enjoy our ultimate triumph. The play of God is quite comic, I must say.

An interesting phenomenon that I’ve been noticing a lot lately is the degree to which we (pre)tend to live in a dream world, rather than be content to live in reality. Although it would seem much simpler to live, to be, interacting directly and solely with the reality that surrounds us, it is a rare event in most of our lives to live as such, stripped of our fantasies and interpretations. Although in fact we do live in contact with reality (how could we not?), we also find ourselves more principally concerned with our notions of what is, rather than with what actually is. And if you happen to believe or disbelieve what I’m saying, then notice that you’re caught up in the mind’s workings right now.

Our conceptions of reality are not as accurate as we would like to think. We tend to believe that our thoughts about the world are reality. For just one example, take a close look for a moment at how we relate to the news and other media. Many hours of our days and much of our intellectual and emotional energies are spent interacting with the stories we are told. Stories, people! What do we really know? That’s right … a big, fat, Nothing. In fact, not even that.

One possible definition of meditation is the state of awareness that is in direct contact with reality as it is. Ironically, the state of meditation always exists. However, apperception of the meditative state is rare, because it tends to be covered up by the activities of the mind - perception, conception, volition, and so forth. We all love our fantasies. For some of us, we especially love the thoughts that tell us we are successful at meditation.

The fantasies and other activities of the mind often stem from the processes of desire. The problem is, as Buddha taught us several centuries ago, desire is the root of all suffering. So then we should eliminate desire, right? That might make sense if it weren’t a desire itself (the desire to end suffering). In this case, you only cause yourself more problems if you “fight fire with fire”, so to speak. There is no strategy that will lead to success. One of the fortunate properties of desire is that it tends to wane on its own, without any input from us. On the other hand, desire also tends to show up seemingly out of nowhere, especially when we think we’ve transcended it. It’s no wonder meditation practice doesn’t seem to take us anywhere!

By the way, where should it take us? Will you continue to chase your dreams, or be content to be nowhere other than where you are. It all sounds very simple. Indeed, much too simple for the lot of us.

The Lord Buddha said, “Subhuti, here a bodhisattva, a great being, thinks, ‘I should lead countless beings to nirvana. I should lead innumerable beings to nirvana. But no-one exists who can be led to nirvana by anyone.’ And still, he leads those sentient beings to nirvana. Yet there is no being who is led to nirvana, nor is anybody led to nirvana by anyone.”

- The Perfection of Wisdom (Prajnaparamita)

It seems like forever has passed since I last wrote something. A big taboo for blog writers, so they say, you might lose your readers along the way. Well, it doesn’t much matter, because I don’t have many readers, nor do I much care about growing or maintaining such numbers. The truth is that although I might often have something of value to share, I’m not always in a state of mind to be able to do so easily. Some would call it a phase. I would call it a human being.

There is something I once heard about Truth, that to find it is easy and free, but once you do, it will cost you everything. This is why so few are serious and honest with themselves regarding their spiritual journeys. It’s an excruciating process to let go of everything. In fact, I don’t recommend it at all. In our typical American fashion, we think maybe we can achieve such a feat in a weekend or two. Or, if we have to work especially hard, maybe six months. It does occasionally occur in flashes that we totally let go, but it oh-so-rarely lasts more than a few minutes or hours or days. You’re probably better off if you never have that flash. Then at least you live without the illusion of a quick fix.

Awakening isn’t a fix for that something missing. If anything, it’s quite the opposite. It’s the elimination of the process by which “missing” occurs as “something”. And for most of us, that’s just about everywhere in life. The unraveling of this process will destroy everything you think you know, and everything you think you are. Thus, you ought to avoid the Truth unless you are certain that you absolutely no longer have a choice. And even then you should avoid it anyway. Because, by the time you realize this is the way it’s going to be, it’s too late to turn back.

Here is just one of many possible examples. The ongoing energetic unfolding that occurs with an awakened chakra system makes very specific demands about which foods are and are not acceptable to the body. It’s not so bad in the first few years, but over time, the increase in dietary restrictions can seem quite onerous. You do have a choice - you can continue to eat those forbidden foods and feel lousy, or you can let them go. The problem, if you view it as such, is that the more you let go, the more demanding your body becomes. And then you don’t have a choice about going back to those foods you think you might miss one day. Say goodbye to pizza and beer forever, except that the smell of your friends enjoying it will be many times more clear and distinct to your olfactory lobes.

There is no telling exactly what changes spiritual awakening will bring. Every being is beautifully unique and precious. Thus, there are no contracts, other than the fact that you have signed everything over to the unfolding Mystery. Good luck with that!

So you might see now why failing to write a blog posting for more than a month can seem rather a trivial affair. Why I write at all is some mysterious combination of desiring to share what I’ve encountered, and the spontaneous unfolding of creative expression. I can’t explain, I can only write. And wish you the best, whatever your choices may be.

This type of responsibility is not something we count on when we imagine awakening. We think that awakening will be a get out of jail free card. Initially we have a relationship with the spiritual freedom of awakening that is infantile. We think that freedom is a personal thing; that it is about feeling extraordinarily good and free. But freedom is much more nuanced than that. It is not a personal thing; it is not an acquisition for us.

As we become more conscious, we begin to see that there are consequences. There are consequences to everything, and they get bigger and bigger the more we behave in ways that are not in harmony with what we know is true. This is actually a wonderful thing. It is what I call fierce grace. It is not a soft grace; it is not the kind of grace that is beautiful and uplifting. But it is a grace nonetheles. We know that when we act from what is not true, we will only be causing ourselves pain. That knowing is a grace.

-Adyashanti, from The End of Your World

I read a comment somewhere recently that got me to thinking about the comparative process of the human mind. Does the mind do anything else other than compare? If it does, I wouldn’t know.

For several years throughout this spiritual journey we call life, I harbored significant amounts of concern over the quality of my state of being. Was I taking the right steps toward enlightenment? Was my consciousness “high” on the human scale. Would I make a notable difference to others? Today, such concerns just seem so ridiculous. The only thing that is obviously clear is that “I” am made of the same dirt as everyone and everything else. Ashes to ashes.

Paradoxically it seems, unless we are blessed with the grace to be born and raised without such discriminating concerns, we must all go through various forms of self assessment and notions of improvement. I can’t think of a single culture that doesn’t have this motivation as a core principle. And yet, where does it all lead?

A wise man I know once said that in a million billion years when the cockroaches rule the earth, and the day comes to recognize significant occurrences throughout the universe, your name and mine won’t be mentioned. And yet I assert that the folly of seeking to be more, better, or best is even more acute than accounts of history can demonstrate. If you don’t believe me, take a look right now. What brings you joy? Where and when does freedom arise? Who are you? Don’t settle for answers other than your own; reject (or at least suspect) mine or anyone else’s. If you examine these questions deeply enough, you’ll see something beneath the shiny cultural veneer. Or perhaps you already have.

You may still think that “higher” beings exist, that somehow they have mastered life in ways you can only imagine. Swami Rama supposedly could meditate so deeply that his breathing would stop for several minutes at a time, and his heartbeat would go as low as 10-15 per minute. Even if I could ever achieve such yogic feats, I certainly could never dunk a basketball like Michael Jordan. Too bad, because I hear the pay is pretty good.

Do such comparisons really amount to anything more than machinations of the monkey mind? Does our relative ordinariness make us any less beautiful, important, or unique? I don’t think so. And truthfully, it doesn’t even matter what I think. In any case, Swami Rama is dead now, and Michael Jordan is well into his retirement, and I seriously doubt the cockroaches will be calling their names on reckoning day either.

For those of us who have enrolled ourselves in the process of spiritual cultivation there is an inevitable result that few ever imagined at the beginning of the quest. Failure. Boldfaced, with a capital F. After all, when we think of cultivating our authentic selves, we are inclined to see spirits growing and blossoming into beautifully enlightened beings, wonderful sights for the sore eyes of our humanity. We certainly don’t envision a painstaking process of withering and dying, of burning up the vestiges of our forsaken selves.

Life can be a cruel teacher. She entices us with grand visions, and occasional flashes of luminous brilliance. In those flashes we imagine that there is some sustainable state of pure knowing and loving being. We imagine ourselves as that being. Conceptually, we may even believe that this is true, and yet somehow this vision remains tantalizingly out of reach. So we seek the correct path toward a permanent merger into our birthright. We may even find at times that we think we’re there. But then it’s snatched away again ever so torturously. What are we to do? Many of us wander this landscape for years and years.

Failure is not easy to take, especially not for the precocious such as we are. It is a total devastation of the constructs of our collective mind. It may not sound like much, but in fact, it’s everything. Our entire world collapses into death, moment after moment, ad infinitum. We must learn to let go of everything. Over and over again, until we are no longer capable of holding on. Completely adrift, we may find ourselves washed upon the shore of a strange new land. It is only here that we find real freedom. Not the concept of liberation that we’ve been pursuing all these years, but rather the complete willingness to die over and over again. To embrace the fullness of our failure, not identifying with it or anything else. Knowing nothing.

Worry not about the path that you are taking. The Beloved will destroy you eventually.

The way of love is not
a subtle argument.

The door there
is devastation.

Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn it?

They fall, and falling,
they’re given wings.

-Rumi