Silent Musings

It seems as though Death is stalking us wherever I look lately. My girlfriend has been praying every day that her grandmother will hold on to life long enough for one last visit in November. A special friend of mine has lost three dear friends on three different occasions within the last month, all of whom were under age 25. And even WaMu bank suddenly kicked the bucket Thursday after federal regulators seized it and sold it off to JP Morgan Chase.

No one or nothing is immune. Death is everywhere, and in everything.

I sent the following passage as part of an email message to my friend yesterday. I doubt it was of much comfort to her. She is amazing and awake, but regardless of what I have to say, death still pains her - and all of the rest of us as well.

“Life” really is death, and what we think of as life is just an illusion. And what we normally think of as “death” is also an illusion. Death happens every instant. When you really look at it, there aren’t even instants. Just memories, impressions. All on top of a big fat Nothing.

Most people live life in their heads. In fact, all people do. If you think you are “living in the present moment”, well, I’ve got a clue for you - you aren’t. Perception is completely, 100%, in the past. The future also resides in thinking, in concepts. The present doesn’t exist as an experience. It’s an idea we use to convince ourselves that we aren’t living completely in the past and in the future.

What we usually call life is a vast collection of impressions. If you examine them carefully enough, you may see that those impressions are not real, but rather are reflections of “isness”. Only Being is. Moreover, Being is timeless, with no past or future, no change, just simple pure awareness of existence, which in itself is empty. Everything returns to the Tao. There is only death, nothingness, pure possibility.

All fear is fear of death. Fear that “I” am not immortal. This is simply and truly the ultimate cosmic joke of all time. Death is exactly that which will set you free and that which you fear.

Security as we perceive it cannot exist. It strangles itself in conflict, and leads to an unending spiral of fear, hate, violence, perpetration, war, and affliction. Ironically, though, death is the ultimate security. Nothing has persistence, and nothing ever can. In the world of time, life is in a constant state of transformation. An endless series of illusions of death and rebirth. Learn to enjoy them, play, and feel the exquisite pain of their passing into oblivion forever. How can life contain such joy and such sorrow? How can it not?

Is there anyone left who can see what is happening? It’s hard to tell. For the most part, we’ve all been sucked into a polarized discourse of Who is Right and Who is Wrong, Who is Right and Who is Left. We also argue ad infinitum about what point of view, or what social system, will get us out of this mess. We debate just as vociferously about the causes. Well, at least we mostly all agree about there being a mess. How long are we willing to put up with this shit? It’s already been like, what, a few thousand years give or take?

Here is a radical notion. Rather than continuing to deliberate endlessly about the cause of this mess, or what actions will ameliorate it, let’s take a closer look at what it is, and what is common to every viewpoint. Yes, for the moment I’m admitting to having something, in fact everything, in common with Bush, Cheney, and all the other criminals in our government.

No matter which particular point of view you hold, the fact that there is some kind of messed up shit going on is a state of mind. In fact, it is all simply the activity of the mind. But don’t believe me because I say so, take a close look. Where does conflict arise? Investigate!

Does it not live in the past and the future? In our pursuit of happiness? In pain and pleasure? In avoiding what will bring us harm? The protection of I, Me, and Mine? In having a point of view in the first place? In the belief that there is some correct belief system? What would Jesus say?

Are you really looking, or just finding a way to agree or argue with me? Are you actually free, or is your action determined by your point of view?

If you are truly interested in freedom, a revolution in your very existence and that of the world around you, you will seek the answers to these questions. And not in the mind, concepts, or points of view! There is no freedom from conflict in any point of view.

Here is a hint. Find the Silence beyond the mind and all points of view. In that Silence, there are no answers to be found, and yet, profoundly, there is a natural state of being that is free of conflict, and acts according to its own true nature. But don’t take my word for it - Be the Revolution.

Among all topics written about extensively in scriptures, books and articles in the realm of spirituality, desire may be the one that is written about in the most damaging fashion. The conventional wisdom seems to point to the elimination of desire as an important and fundamental step on the spiritual path. To be fair, not all sources actually say this, but they are often interpreted as such nonetheless. For example, to say that all suffering is a result of desire is not to say that we should eliminate desire, or even suffering for that matter. It may actually be true that all suffering results from desire, but it may be equally true that all life results from desire. Have you ever really examined this?

Rather than simply accepting what others have said, I’ve spent many years examining desire from as many angles as possible. For example, I maintained a completely celibate lifestyle for close to two years in my examination of the relationship between desire and sexuality. It was quite an eye opening experience. I won’t bother going into the details of relating what I concluded, if anything, because there really isn’t any value to be found in conclusions. If you are curious enough, perhaps you’ll just try it out. Or not. In any case, it just illustrates how far I was willing to go to discover my actual relationship with desire. I continue in that discovery every moment. Fuck the myths. Really.

Now I’m not asserting that all desires are healthy, nor am I saying that one wouldn’t benefit from the elimination of some forms of desire. However, in my experience, the falling away of unhealthy desires occurs as naturally as breathing itself, if one allows it. And I am asserting that forced attempts to eliminate perceived unwanted desires can be very damaging to the well being of a human life.

Last weekend I was feeling the effects of American life in a heavy way, and concluded that I needed to get away from the rat-race for a bit. So my girlfriend and I got in the car and drove out to Angeles National Forest, which is really more of a burnt out desert on hills than a forest such as one would find in the eastern U.S.

We hiked down into a canyon and sat and meditated for a bit. Slowly but surely, the presence of life made itself into my awareness in a deep and touching way. Although fires had clearly consumed many of the trees that surrounded us, there was life in them nonetheless. Life was everywhere and in everything. Life … Death … Breath … Desire … Beauty … Love … all Present. Whatever headache had accompanied me into the forest dissolved into this deepest desire to inhale the breath of life. As we hiked back up the canyon wall to go home, I could see the breath of life hovering in the canyon air, with movement everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time. I lingered on the precious edge of weeping for the entire walk back.

There is nothing anyone can say that will convince me that such experiences of desire ought to be eliminated from my life. I’ve been accused many times of being detached, but hey, I’m still alive. My teacher is fond of saying that the only real need for human beings is the movement toward ecstasy. How could such volition exist without desire? Sorry, but I have to agree with the teacher on this one.

But don’t take my word for it. Get interested enough to find out for yourself. Fuck the myths … mine, the Buddha’s, or anyone else’s.

When there is a total understanding of need, the outward and the inner, then desire is not torture. Then it has a quite different meaning, a significance far beyond the content of thought and it goes beyond feeling, with its emotions, myths and illusions. With the total understanding of need, not the mere quantity or the quality of it, desire then is a flame and not a torture. Without this flame life itself is lost. It is this flame that burns away the pettiness of its object, the frontiers, the fences that have been imposed upon it. Then call it by whatever name you will, love, death, beauty. Then it is there without an end. - J. Krishnamurti

Lately I’ve been feeling a lot of internal letting go, especially of certain long held views and mental habits. It’s difficult to explain this process, because it is not something that occurs through effort, and those habits are not necessarily ones that I have some intention to purge. In fact, I wonder a lot what will become of me as they go, as the one I call “me” is very much defined by them. Not in the sense of such definitions as “I am a scientist”, or “I like chocolate ice cream”, but rather at a much more fundamental level than this.

For example, I find myself beginning to question the importance of desire at all levels. Do I need to accomplish anything? Feel any pleasure? What would be the point? It all seems so shallow in comparison to living the Truth. At the same time, it is equally unimportant that this process should end up in any particular place. Desire could have a place here and now, even intensely so, or it could not. No agenda, no agent.

I don’t know what the Truth is, but I know what it isn’t. It isn’t pre-planned or known by anyone. It is a living organism, the unfolding cosmos, revealed only in its immediate existence and action.

When the saints speak of purification, I believe they are speaking of such a process of moving in the immediacy of the Truth. A living that is not determined by any particular habitual pattern, but rather by communion with what is. The notion of trying to eliminate sin or negativity only introduces entanglement. Somewhat like trying to tell God how to design a tree or a bumblebee.

I see beauty in everything, even in the infinite depths of attachment. Desire exists in every energetic movement of consciousness, and yet Shakti she is also completely unbound and unknowable. The deepest form of paradox. Such is the nature of her radiant splendor. With profound acceptance comes this purification of which I make such a feeble attempt to describe.

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.
It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.
It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.
I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.

And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

- Rabindranath Tagore, Gitanjali

It seems I’m always talking with people about the nature of the conditioned mind. It’s ironic to call the mind “conditioned” when there is no such thing as an unconditioned mind. The whole function of the mind is conditioning. It’s a pattern recognition machine, capable of “relating” only to the past and future. It has absolutely nothing to do with the present, and hence nothing to do with reality as it is. It is also only capable of recycling old thoughts. That’s right, every thought is an old thought. These, too.

It’s very useful if you want to earn a college degree or have a job to help you pay for groceries. Especially if you don’t have friends or family that can help you find the grocery store.

Lately I’ve been noticing the extent to which all of that we call “experience” is shaped by the conditioning of our minds. Here’s an example that illustrates a point of view not often considered. Are you psychic, or do you know someone who is? We tend to think of this sort of thing as a special gift or power. But really isn’t it simply conditioning like everything else? That’s right, just another view of the Universe. Not actually all that different than being a neo-con, an anti-war protester, a scientist, or believing in the Easter Bunny.

And here is the trouble with views. Every view creates division, this and that, and as a result either fear or pleasure, or both. That’s right, and your local neighborhood spiritual bookstore will have a thousand tomes calling this duality. The notion of the existence of an ego is simply a view as well. A view that asserts a self that is separate from objects and other selves. Many people will try to convince you of the paramount importance of destroying the ego. Sorry, but that’s just another view. How can you destroy what doesn’t even exist in reality? And I won’t even get into the paradox of destruction here. In the process of solving one perceived problem, you’re creating yet another. You could call this the problem with problems.

Fear, fear, fear. You have no idea how much it runs your life. Pretty much our whole culture is defined by it. Everything you know creates fear. Often subtle and unnoticeable, but only because it is unexamined. Fear is like shit that doesn’t stink any more after you sit with it long enough. And how do we usually deal with fear when we can perceive it? We try to eliminate it by understanding it. Yeah, like that will work.

So now that I’ve attempted to destroy all semblance of hope in your life, I suppose you would like me to offer a view that will free you of the bonds of the conditioned mind. Well, if I had any sense, I would just stop writing right now, but being a crazy human and all, I’ll keep the bullshit flowing just a little bit longer. In truth, I have no idea what to say, other than to find out for yourself. Directly, by interacting with what is. There is no truth about fear or the conditioning of the mind. Those are just concepts, views, having absolutely nothing to do with the present, and hence nothing to do with reality as it is.

Hey, didn’t I already say that?

Insight is not an act of remembrance, the continuation of memory. Insight is like a flash of light. You see with absolute clarity, all the complications, the consequences, the intricacies. Then this very insight is action, complete. In that there are no regrets, no looking back, no sense of being weighed down, no discrimination. This is pure, clear insight - perception without any shadow of doubt. Most of us begin with certainty and as we grow older the certainty changes to uncertainty and we die with uncertainty. But if one begins with uncertainty, doubting, questioning, asking demanding, with real doubt about man’s behaviour, about all the religious rituals and their images and their symbols, then out of that doubt comes the clarity of certainty. - J. Krishnamurti